Last 5 Days In Melbourne

6 years ago, I spent my 18th birthday on the plane alone to Melbourne. I had a backpack that was half of my size with my laptop in it and a freaking electric guitar on one shoulder. I nearly killed myself as I walked through the long airport hallway. At 18, I would never have a second thought about anything. I thought wearing graphic tees and denim all the time was cool. I had this horrible haircut. Guitars and Korean dramas were the life of me.
 
 
I'm 24 this year and I'm the complete opposite from the 18-year-old me who just got to Melbourne. Even a small little handbag weighs a tonne on my shoulder (god knows how did I handle the guitar and laptop back then) and I am no longer as innocently courageous as before. As I am typing this, I am sitting in the middle of my super messy room waiting for a buyer to pick up my unwanted piece of furniture. The reason for my departure is because I haven't gotten the Australian Permanent Residency visa's invitation from the Australia government, so I'll have to go back and wait offshore.  
If you were to ask my younger self back then, would I be able to imagine myself working in corporate in Australia after graduation? I wouldn't have a clue. Would I be able to imagine myself leaving Australia someday? I would be crying my eyes out. Though surprisingly, I'm not.

Packing my life into boxes with a crazy mix of emotions is definitely something I don't really know how to stomach. I'm excited because I'd be able to run my online business, Duo Emblem on a full-time basis (I'll write a separate blog post for that topic itself) which means I can finally focus on chasing my dreams - something that I was searching for within myself for a really long time. Stressed out because my house is a mess and I don't know how to pack and I really don't wanna leave behind my Korean style sweaters and jackets at my friend's house in Melbourne (thank you Gill!!!). The scariest will definitely be the unknown and new life that I be having soon.

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As I grow older, I learnt that things are actually very uncontrollable in life, no matter how organised you try to be. I loved to plan things ahead of me and not knowing what's coming to hit me in the face makes me anxious. I still do feel this way but I'm also gradually getting OK with playing things by ear.


Before I went on my Korea and Hong Kong trips, everything was a hot mess - I was panicking, losing sleep and having all these crazy thoughts that I'd regret embarking on those journeys that I spent so much money on...I could write a Shakespeare play with such melodramatic ideas in my brain. I compared myself to those Youtubers and bloggers who shared their "How I Plan My Trip" videos and they put me in shame. I thought if I didn't do my "homework" thoroughly enough, my trips would be considered a failure. But wait a minute, why should I judge myself for whether I planned/unplanned/planned half-heartedly? I didn't buy the plane tickets to stress myself out - that's not in the itineraries. They were getaways and they were suppose to make me happy!

I came back and had tonnes of fun. It was then I realised one big thing:
It doesn't matter if you don't have everything figured out. When you don't have a fixed route and itinerary, there's when you learn to have fun along the way without losing focus of where you want to be eventually! 
And that theory, should be applied to life as well!

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In this case of leaving Melbourne, it's actually something that is both planned and unplanned. Planned, in the sense that I started the idea of wanting to build an online business for myself just to spice up my mundane life at that time. Fast forward one year later, this is itching so much in me that I know if I didn't take the leap of faith I'd hate myself for the rest of my life. If I hadn't had this idea back then, I'd be so clueless, depressed and devastated right now.

Frankly speaking, most Asian parents will not agree on this idea. Staying home, not getting a job and running an online business which has no foundation, WTF? The drill of Asian culture is to study hard, get good grades, be a good kid, get into a good university, get a good job and slowly progress up the corporate ladder or take more exams for higher accreditation in order to have a better future, get married and have kids. Such general consensus is definitely not my cup of tea. Where the hell are the elements of "happiness", "living your dreams"?! Due to this, I have my fair share of disagreements with my mom. I want to succeed on my own terms instead of kowtow to such norm. Finally my mom agreed and even started to give me some tips on running this business. Not only that, she told me to not give up on writing and blogging because she thinks I am good at writing. That's the first time I heard it from her after all these years and it really melts my heart because having her support means the world to me. Dear mom, if you are reading this, I know you are worried about me and at this stage I can't promise you anything but I will guarantee to work really hard for myself, for the business and make you proud. 

This is where the unplanned part comes about - I don't know whether this will work and I don't know what to expect or plan to make things go smoothly BUT I do know that I am going to nurture it because it's my baby. "Expect the unexpected", that's what my colleague Vick told me in the farewell card he sent me.

Nevertheless, knowing what one wants to do and really going after it fearlessly are 2 different things. After a few incidents in life lately, I suddenly decided that I'm just going to suck it up and get things done. For the past 2.5 years, all I did was worry about my job, my savings and my visa - all the things that I had to do "just because". I worked so much and I hardly have a social life so that helped a lot in saving money. I'm really afraid if I were to keep feeling comfortable with this OK life of mine, I'd ended up being a mediocre.


I went through a point in life when I kept on repeating the same shit of working hard, saving money, splurging on myself thinking this IS the reason of living life. No, IT'S NOT - because when retail therapy and eating at nice restaurants didn't excite me anymore, I thought I lost my soul. What else in life is going to excite me and what am I working towards anyway? I felt empty inside. I would cry out of no where over nothing - but NOTHING was the issue of everything!


It took me really long to know that life is about doing something for yourself to make you feel worthwhile from the inside and genuinely happy everyday instead of just sucking up and dreading everyday looking forward towards the weekend and payday. I want to do something that doesn't make me so "disposable". Unless I get out to do something on my own, I'd always be replaceable working for someone else - but who am I to complain when a CEO can be replaced and forgotten just in a blink of eye too?!


All I did was tonnes of THINKING about making a change with not much actions. Perhaps the current situation that I am in is a form of push by the Law of Attraction. I’m being “forced” to make a choice – go back home and work on my own business and go full force on it OR go back, move to KL from Penang, buy a car on loan and work 9am-10pm and rely on pay checks again. The latter scares the shit out of me because I don't want to end up deeper and deeper in this never-ending rut hole. I want to have freedom to live my life the way I want to. The thought of leaving is painful and scary but it is what it is and I want to truly believe that this is for the better, for the time being.

Melbourne is the place that I’ve stayed for ¼ of my life. I learnt and experienced so much. I have my favourite restaurants that I’ll miss so much and some close friends who I talk to everyday despite where I am but I know I will still miss hanging out with them in person. I believe I will come back. As to when will that be? I have no idea but I should not be all desperate and negative about this. I am given the privilege of jumping straight into pursuing my dream thus I should be grateful for the Universe for paving this path and buying me some ME time. Not only will I be working on my online business, I will also be blogging more regularly, reading more books and also aiming to sit for a legitimate Korean language exam. It’s all unknowns that make things daunting but I know the remaining chapters will unfold themselves. Afterall, this is what I wished for back in Korea over a cup of beer in a chilly autumn because I want to live my life that way. I should be feeling nothing but grateful that my prayers have been answered.  
Having unshakable faith is not easy but that’s the only way to live life isn’t it?

Till next time Melbourne, you have been awesome!

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