Over time, I realised I had started measuring my self-worth, self-respect, and even my discipline and diligence by how many things I could tick off that list.
And lately, I've been questioning this habit of mine after having 5 post-it notes scattered across my desk.
Don't get me wrong. Having a to-do list is useful. It helps organise my thoughts and keeps me on track. But why does it have to become a measure of how well I'm doing as a person?
For example, if I have ten things on my list and only manage to complete five, I would still beat myself up over the other five. Even if those five unfinished things weren't particularly urgent or important, my mind would focus on what I didn't do rather than what I did.
And it's not just that. Even when I'm doing the second thing on my list, I'm already worrying about whether I'll have enough time for the third, fourth and fifth.
"Shit, I still have so much to do."
Before I've even gotten to those tasks, I've already overwhelmed myself with the thought of having to get everything done.
I've slowly come to realise that, at least for me, this constant need to plan, prepare and stay ahead often comes from a place of fear. Fear of falling behind, fear of not doing enough, fear of not being good enough, and perhaps even the fear of "losing time".
Then I came across something by Kevin Tsai (蔡康永) that really resonated with me.
He shared an analogy: If you're climbing a mountain but all you can think about is gathering firewood, and when you're gathering firewood, all you can think about is preparing the next meal, then every part of life becomes exhausting.
Because you're constantly preparing for the next thing, never quite experiencing the thing you're doing right now.
He likened the meaning of life to the aroma of freshly baked bread. It's something you experience gradually as you go through the process. You don't just wait for the finished loaf; the beauty is also in everything that happens along the way.
And I thought, what a beautiful reminder.
I don't want to turn this into another conversation about productivity or glorify hustle culture. I don't think life is about constantly doing more, getting ahead or squeezing every bit of productivity out of our day.
I still want to be disciplined, responsible and intentional about the things I do. But I also want to learn how to 沉下心来，好好做事 — to quiet my mind, settle into what I'm doing and give it my full attention, without constantly worrying about what else needs to be done or what might happen next.
To be conscious of what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and whether it actually matters to me.
Maybe that's enough.
I want my to-do list to be a tool that helps organise my life, not something that determines my self-worth. I want to be able to leave a few things unfinished without feeling like I've somehow failed myself.
And perhaps most importantly, I want to stop rushing through today just because I'm already thinking about tomorrow.
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