Funny thing is, it took me this effing long to realise that “fuck it” should have been my life motto all along.
For the longest time, I believed, actually worshipped, the idea that working hard was the only way to get anywhere in life.
Do not get me wrong, I am not saying you should go hide in a cave and do absolutely nothing. But somewhere along the way, I realised that the direction of one’s consciousness matters so much more than grinding for the sake of grinding. Society keeps telling us to put our heads down and hustle, but what we really need is to look up and actually see where the hell we are going. There is a reason people say not to walk while scrolling your phone; you might crash into something if you are not paying attention.
Anyway. Back to the story.
For the longest time, I believed, actually worshipped, the idea that working hard was the only way to get anywhere in life.
Do not get me wrong, I am not saying you should go hide in a cave and do absolutely nothing. But somewhere along the way, I realised that the direction of one’s consciousness matters so much more than grinding for the sake of grinding. Society keeps telling us to put our heads down and hustle, but what we really need is to look up and actually see where the hell we are going. There is a reason people say not to walk while scrolling your phone; you might crash into something if you are not paying attention.
Anyway. Back to the story.
I did this solo performance last month, as requested by my vocal teacher. And honestly, I never thought I could pull it off. Even if I could imagine myself doing it, I was convinced I would do a disgustingly horrible job. There was a split second when I thought maybe I should not and could not do it, and that I would be better off hiding in the toilet. But then I thought, “Fuck it. Let us get this done and over with. Whatever happens, happens.”
When I got off the stage, and my vocal teacher looked at me and said, “You have fuck it written all over your face.” Hah. Wild how she could see that so clearly when nobody else could. And surprisingly, I did not screw up horribly. Whee~
Or when I was job hunting as a fresh graduate. I was sending out resumes like a maniac, got humiliated in an interview for not being “pretty enough,” and kept pushing through the self-doubt and anxiety until I reached that mental breaking point of “fuck it.” And suddenly, there it was, an offer from a prestigious bank with kind bosses and colleagues.
Maybe “fuck it” is not just a motto.
When I got off the stage, and my vocal teacher looked at me and said, “You have fuck it written all over your face.” Hah. Wild how she could see that so clearly when nobody else could. And surprisingly, I did not screw up horribly. Whee~
Later, when I told my LDR bestie what my teacher said, she connected the dots instantly. She told me I always operate at my highest level when I reach that “fuck it all” phase. She has seen me through every version of myself, the growth, the breakdowns, the breakthroughs. Sometimes I feel like she knows me better than I know myself. I am blessed to have a friend like that, I know.
We are both into spiritual teachings, and she reminded me that my “fuck it” moments were actually moments of surrender, to the universe, to God, to whatever name you choose.
Like when I was trying to lose weight. I was going to the gym two hours a day, journaling every bite of food, obsessing over every detail, and still plateauing for years. Until one day, I just went, “fuck it,” let go, and refused to buy a new weighing scale when mine broke, and that was when the weight finally came off.
Or when I was job hunting as a fresh graduate. I was sending out resumes like a maniac, got humiliated in an interview for not being “pretty enough,” and kept pushing through the self-doubt and anxiety until I reached that mental breaking point of “fuck it.” And suddenly, there it was, an offer from a prestigious bank with kind bosses and colleagues.
And then my bestie said something that honestly shook me:
“Have you ever thought about making this your default setting? Instead of forcing yourself to trust the process or repeating that it takes time and patience, like some kind of psychotic brainwashing. Those are just labels.”
And she is right.
Maybe it is just a label.
Maybe changing that label could save me from all the extra mental burden I keep dumping on myself.
I looked back on things I have been procrastinating on, things I have been desperate to do well but could not seem to get results in, and things I have been waiting to start until the perfect moment when I felt ready. And I realised that if I had adopted that “fuck it” mindset earlier, the same way I did right before going on stage, since there was no turning back anyway, I probably would have gotten further in life than where I am right now.
Then again, fuck it.
This is not a post meant to reinforce self-condemnation or guilt-tripping. I have done enough of that, and it obviously got me nowhere.
Now I have officially declared fuck it to:
• my bank statements, Excel sheets, and budgeting apps, because they do not define my self-worth
• my feelings that come and go, because I acknowledge them, but they do not define me or dictate my decisions
• my unhealthy obsession with getting things “right” and “learning enough” before I even take the first baby step
I am sure the list could go on, but I still need some time to get the rest out of my system, or should I say, let the residue float to the surface so I can clear it out.
Maybe “fuck it” is not just a motto.
Maybe it is a whole new operating system.
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